Published June 2007

The Three C’s

Criticizing, condemning and complaining are three deadly sins of employee relations. Avoid them and you will help your team prosper. (page 58)

By Ted J. Rulseh

Dale Carnegie was one of the greatest teachers of human relations. His classic book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, has sold untold millions of copies and still benefits many thousands of people each year.

One of Carnegie’s teachings is to avoid what we might call the Three C’s: criticizing, condemning, complaining. He titles one of his chapters: If you want to gather honey, don’t kick over the beehive.

It’s a natural human tendency, when someone lets us down, or misleads us, or annoys us, to lash out, reprimand, scold, berate. Carnegie argues such tactics are not only unbecoming but counter-productive. That’s because another natural tendency is for people to want to protect their pride, to save face, to justify themselves.

Inflicting wounds

Do you remember a time when you were severely criticized? Perhaps your father bawled you out for doing a shoddy job of cleaning the garage. Maybe a teacher called you out in front of the class for missing an assignment, or a band instructor barked at you for hitting a sour note in a rehearsal. How did you feel?

Maybe your behavior needed correcting. Maybe you really needed to practice harder. But could your parents, teachers or other superiors have found kinder ways to correct you — ways that wouldn’t bruise your pride?

If you remember how it felt, then put yourself in your subordinates’ shoes. Have you ever scolded them, whether in public or behind a closed door? Most people care about their work. When they make a mistake, they feel bad about it; just having it pointed out is enough. They don’t need to have their ears blistered, too.

Of course, there’s a need for discipline in the workplace. People can go astray, and they need to be set back on track. But how you do it, when you have to, says a great deal about you and the kind of team you will ultimately build.

A different approach

A story is told about a rising young star in a big corporation who made a mistake in handling an account that cost the company a million dollars. The man’s supervisor called him into the office; the young man entered, certain that he was about to be chided, demoted, or fired. Instead, the supervisor looked at the man and said, “Well, we can’t fire you now. We just spent a million dollars training you.”

The supervisor understood that the man already regretted his error and would learn from it. How do you suppose he responded to the supervisor’s kind treatment? Undoubtedly by redoubling his efforts to do well for the company. Had his supervisor chastised him, he may have expected and understood it, but he also may have resented it, and resentment can be a slow-acting poison, affecting the person’s performance and ultimately that of the entire team.

This is the point that Carnegie makes forcefully. “Criticism is futile,” he says, “because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.”

To what end?

Furthermore, according to Carnegie, criticism, condemnation and complaining may not even correct the behavior at which they are directed. He tells the story of a safety director for an engineering company.

“One of his responsibilities is to see that the employees wear their hard hats whenever they are on the job in the field,” Carnegie writes. “He reported that whenever he came across workers who were not wearing hard hats, he would tell them with a lot of authority and regulation that they must comply. As a result, he would get sullen acceptance, and often after he left, the workers would remove the hats.

“He decided to try a different approach. The next time he found some workers not wearing their hard hats, he asked if the hats were uncomfortable or did not fit properly. Then he reminded the men in a pleasant tone that the hat was designed to protect them from injury and suggested that it always be worn on the job. The result was increased compliance with the regulation with no resentment or emotional upset.”

The written word

Carnegie’s advice applies as well — or even more so — to written communication. Sharp words can sting, but a complaining letter or an angry e-mail — dashed off without proper thought — can do untold and lasting damage to a person’s morale and to a relationship between a supervisor and team member.

An old piece of advice says that if you ever write an angry letter, you should let it sit overnight before mailing it. Chances are, when you read it the next morning, you will think better of sending it.

Carnegie quotes John Wanamaker, who owned a chain of retail stores, as saying, “I learned 30 years ago that it is foolish to scold. I have enough trouble overcoming my own limitations without fretting over the fact that God has not seen fit to distribute evenly the gift of intelligence.”

Carnegie adds, “If you and I want to stir up a resentment tomorrow that may rankle across the decades and endure until death, just let us indulge in a little stinging criticism — no matter how certain we are that it is justified. When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion ...”

He concludes: “Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness: To know all is to forgive all.”

Consider trying less of the Three C’s — and more sympathy, tolerance and kindness — in dealing with members of your team. See if your team’s performance and your results don’t change for the better.