For many of us, accepting criticism gracefully is a lot like trying to lose weight: It’s a great thing to strive for but difficult to execute in real life. Yet how you react to criticism (or constructive feedback, in more positive parlance) is important in many aspects of life, and especially so in the workplace.

When a supervisor finds your performance lacking, your reaction goes a long way toward shaping said supervisor’s opinion of you as an employee. Getting angry brands you as a hothead and can create mistrust. Denial leads to loss of credibility. Shifting blame to others tarnishes your image as a team player. Crying paints you as over-emotional. Stony silence makes you appear uncommunicative.

And unfortunately, these reactions are usually the rule, not the exception, for a host of reasons. For starters, you may feel the criticism is unfair. Or you might not respect the person providing the feedback. Moreover, in our everyone-gets-a-trophy world, many employees aren’t used to criticism, experts note. And from a business-culture perspective, positive feedback is more in vogue than negative. In addition, some poorly managed employees rarely receive feedback, except during annual performance reviews – and too many get no annual review at all.

“The truth is, of course, that feedback often is bad news,” says Douglas Stone, a lecturer at Harvard Law School and co-author with Sheila Heen of Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well (Even When It Is Off-Base, Unfair, Poorly Delivered and, Frankly, You’re Not in the Mood). Stone also teaches negotiation, conflict resolution and communication skills for the Triad Consulting Group (www.triadconsultinggroup.com). “[Criticism] can feel threatening, especially since we all want to be accepted the way we are. … It destabilizes our sense of feeling safe and accepted. As such, it’s not at all surprising that we’d have negative reaction to it.

“Ultimately, it all depends on the alignment of what the person giving feedback means and what the person getting the feedback hears,” he continues. “If you think negative feedback is an attack or disrespectful, it’s hard to get through that.”

So how can managers make criticism more palatable to employees? Start by establishing a broader context – talking about why feedback is good for employee growth, he suggests.

“It works much better if the feedback giver and receiver first talk about why feedback is necessary in order to get better and to learn,” Stone points out. “The biggest challenge is that people give and receive feedback, but they don’t talk about how to give and receive feedback, as though there’s a rule that says you’re not allowed to talk about it, which makes no sense at all.”

Another problem stems from misunderstandings over exactly what the feedback means. Telling someone that they’re not assertive enough or selfish, for instance, is broad criticism that is subject to interpretation. And until the person being criticized knows specifically what those criticisms mean, they can’t make a good decision about how to accept them, Stone says. Subsequently, providing succinct examples of the offending behavior and its resulting effects is critical.

Providing regular – and timely – feedback is also important. Performance issues, for instance, should not be addressed just at an annual review but right away, with periodic monitoring, assessment and feedback after that. “When you notice something, that’s when you should talk about it,” Stone advises. “Don’t wait a week or a year to say something. The problem is that in some ways, it’s never a good time to raise issues. First we think it’s too soon, then we wait a few months and figure that now it’s been too long – they’ll wonder why you raised it now.”

Another thing to consider: There’s a significant chasm between evaluative feedback and coaching feedback. In the former, a supervisor simply tells an employee that he or she is good at this and bad at that. Coaching takes a different approach by pointing out an issue or shortcoming, but also taking the extra step of offering suggestions for improving the situation, and emphasizing that the main interest is helping the employee improve. That way, the recipient of the criticism feels like the supervisor is trying to help rather than just judging, Stone notes.

“Too often, feedback givers say, ‘Here’s the truth,’ and that’s the end of the conversation,” he says.

The onus isn’t only on managers and supervisors, however; employees can also take steps to accept criticism better – and subsequently enhance their standing in managerial eyes. The best way to handle criticism is to consider it an opportunity for learning, Stone says.

“The first move is not to agree or disagree with criticism but to understand it,” he explains. “For instance, if a supervisor says you’re not assertive enough, ask what he or she has observed about your assertiveness, and what would it look like if you did it differently going forward. Then you can have an intelligent conversation about it.”

Furthermore, if you disagree with a supervisor’s critique, remember that the assessment is true in the manager’s mind. “It’s their reality,” Stone says. “If someone says you’re not assertive enough, it doesn’t necessarily mean you are or aren’t, but maybe there’s still something you can learn from the person giving the feedback. Gain a deeper sense of perspective.”

Sometimes, however, emotions take over no matter how much we try to avoid it. So if you do erupt with a denial, blame someone else, retreat in silence or start sobbing uncontrollably, there’s still a chance to redeem yourself. After things calm down, apologize to your supervisor and ask for specific examples or evidence of the undesirable behavior or performance issue. Then, if need be, ask for some more time to ponder the criticism, as opposed to flying off the handle again. Then meet again and discuss things calmly and rationally.

“Again, it’s not as much about the substance [of the criticism], but how you talk about it,” Stone says. “If you always blame someone else or always have an excuse, that kind of defensiveness raises big red flags … it’s hard to consider you as a good team player or as someone who’s interested in improving. People like to work with people who are open to feedback.”